Over the 13 days since our perfect little Zoe was born, I’ve mulled over of a myriad of blog posts.
A sneak peek at a few that keep resurfacing in my mind, and that realistically I will probably not elaborate on because I’m too tired to formulate paragraphs:
- Tatiana, the midwife bitch from hell.
- Just how Russian do I look? For cryin’ out loud, I do not speak Russian.
- Gum manufacturers – how is it possible you have yet to come up with packaging that prevents the pieces of gum from spilling out into one’s bag, thereby ruining the expensive bag and making all personal items sticky, for eternity? If I had the means and motivation, I would revolutionize the chewing gum industry. I hope one of you entrepreneurial readers out there go for it and become millionaires (and pay me 50% royalties).
I will, however, expound on a particular event that took place at approximately 4:30 this morning, as it was then that I discovered I have super-human Matrix-like powers. I was innocently and naively changing Zoe’s diaper when it was time to maneuver the switch – replace the dirty one with a new one as fast as possible – a critical step whose purpose is to avoid…this: Zoe proceeded to eject her beautiful feces in a swift and strong projectile squirt. It was coming directly at me. And that was when it happened. My body moved in a way and at a speed it has never done before – my back arched, my left shoulder dropped — I had the Neo bullet-dodge reflex.
It goes without saying that there was shit all over the room. But I steered clear, and now I look forward to what I believe was only the beginning of a journey of self-discovery of my supernatural powers. I can’t promise I will report them all to you as who knows, I might be recruited for dangerous clandestine missions to save the world. (I just hope they don’t send me to Egypt.) But at least now I have a better explanation for why I am superior to the common person.